Friday, October 25, 2013

My life. All the shit. - CHAPTER 2: Little Ridhwan

Continues from previous post... My life. All the shit.|

CHAPTER 2: Little Ridhwan

You all might think, going through divorcement is just signing of some papers, as easy as it sounds like, its not. These marriage of two people from two different worlds, who went against their parents, started frokm nothing and only after a decade of building a castle, and now its time to demolish it? It was heart-wrecking.

Yes, Dad confessed he wanted to make the maid his second wife. Polygamy was legal, but its rarely a woman would share his man. Before that, they had much quarrels, and trust me, it gets so aggressive that the police would visit my house more frequent than the pizza delivery guy. All I can do is cry and cry, as I watch them strangling, shoving, slapping, head-butting, screaming, breaking things, throwing things.. and now it comes to an end. There was so much going on, but I more or less knew more than my other two little siblings.

Both fought over possession of property, fought of maintenance fees, and most important of all; the children. I could decide, but my little siblings could not. And parting from them was even painful than anything else. My brother was lured with toys and my sister, she have not learn how to talk properly. There were times I would not see my siblings for months or even more than a year. Mom tries to snatch sister, then Dad snatches her back. I was in Junyuan Primary School, and was tranferred to Lianhua Primary School, then transferred after a week back to Junyuan Primary School. Then right before PSLE, I ended up in Balestier Hill Primary School. A lot of moving around, it was due to the constant quarrels as they process the divorcement. Mom had to find brother at school just to see him, but orders were to not let her. And there were times, I had to even hide my temporary residence to not let my Dad find out where we were staying. And I was so mad at him when Dad tries to stalk me, and I showed him a middle finger at the age of 9. Anger grew more and more, as Dad was never there. It has always been work or sleep. Though I didn't understand much, I knew I blamed that for everything at that age.

For that time being, my current Dad, was a simple man, who seems to be sincere to my Mom. Did you know, the first time they went out for a date, I was there? We watched Spiderman in cinemas, and I was pretty sure, he was the missing piece my biological Dad never filled in.

I do love my real Dad, but that anger, of him never being there for me. So what if he guided me with my homework? I never comprehended any of his style of teaching. Maybe I was not as intellectual or a efficient as him when it comes to studies. But what I needed, was love, a fatherly love. And I could see more in this one now I am with, I feel more worth to call my Dad.

As the Mansionette house, was with Dad and that stupid bitch, my current dad ensured we had a shelter and food. Be it staying over grandparents' place, or uncle's or aunt's place.. or even the parking company's van at the near the garbage chute, as the 3 of us sleep in it, he tries his best. He may not be an RI student, he may not have a degree and was that stable, but he has a heart and he was responsible.

I have two fathers to learn from in my life, what kind of father would I be to my son in the future. I have always wondered about that.

*Come back another time for more chapters of my life. I have a lot more to tell. So stay tuned.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

My life. All the shit. - CHAPTER 1: How I Was Made

My life. All the shit.

It can't be summarised in a post. I can remember every single detail in my life. Not exact dates, but some events that lead to another event that lead to another till where I am today. I wanna tell the world the story of my life. Okay, not the world maybe, but I like to dream big. Not that I think I am that outstanding, but this urge to tell some of you guys there about what I had been through. It may amuse you, inspire you, disappoint you, give up being interested during half-way of reading about my life, but I would love to share and express it. Someone out there wants to read it, either to expect something great or poor from me, I don't really care. It's my story, and it started way before I was born.

CHAPTER 1: How I Was Made

Mom and Dad, met when they were working in a known hotel in the city. They were young, in their late teens still.

Dad got her Mom's attention with he walks like some bodybuilder; having the finest athletic body as he was active in rugby and track & field, back in the days when he was in school. He was a study freak but also a sporty guy. Graduated from Raffles Institution and had full grasp of almost everything that was of his potential. Except he is a little weird when it comes to socializing, be it to guys or girls. Always thinking that there was competition everywhere and was on his feet to the slightest politics that is in every field he was. A filial son, and is so confident about everything that he appears cocky among his peers. His only weakness would be his family, especially how strictly he was brought up by.

Mom was different. She was given away when she was brought to this world. Had no proper family there for her when she was growing up. She had been abused always and been taken advantage of when she was around 10, and had so many godmothers, as she was passed around. Though her slim figure could allow her to join a beauty pageant when she was around 18, she had low self esteem, being too skinny and flat chested, despite passing puberty.

They went out, they fell for each other and it was love indeed. I remembered how my mom told me, that he would ask my mom permission, even if it was to hold her hand. A first date that seem so perfect and as time goes by they fell more deeper for each other.

When Dad was in Singapore Polytechnic, something unfortunate happened. All because the two lovers were forced to be apart, as my Dad's mother, didn't like my Mom. My dad was not feeling right, thinking right and soon, something so not right had to happened. He got into a motorbike accident. Someone called my Mom, who was trying to control her heart that was longing for Dad. Little did she know, that her plight was about to get to another level higher. She answered the phone, hearing from the unknown caller said that my Dad was sent to the hospital and all he could do was, to murmur repeatedly my Mom's name, hoping that if he would make his last breath, it was my Mom's name.

These two lovers were strong even if they had no support from their families and had nothing. Can you imagine; running away from your families, sleeping at the back of the gym in your own polytechnic? Sneaking away from the security, climbing fences, saving up with part time jobs? They saved and got married, and got 2 room rental HDB. That was where I was born and first stayed. It is demolished now and the area now belongs the huge ass 'Pinnacle" is at currently' at Cantonment. At Dad's mom still hate that grudge even when my Mom took care of her like no other daughter-in-law would do. My parents build their life together, with Dad coping with work and finishing his degree, and after keeping strong that marriage for around a decade, with then 3 children, and finally upgraded to a 2-storey-mansionette at Tampines, Dad had to make the biggest mistake in his life.

My Mom became stronger then she was in her teens. She looks so much curvaceous, and have made every person she met in her life, appreciating her presence and remembering her deeds. My Mom has made many smiles, and gain much respect by even a fellow stranger in the streets. But for Dad, he didn't do that well. He became a monster due to his ego and foolishness. Not many around him liked him, as much as he thinks everyone around him was against him. It was not just having competition, but he had became insensitive and he los this heart. From a study freak, he became a workaholic. He neglected time with family, and thought being stable financially was the key, but it was the start. That wasn't even the huge mistake. The huge mistake was, having adultery with the Indonesian maid in the house. Our maid.

I lost it. I lost focus of my studies. For the first time, my report book had read lines, telling me I had failed some subjects. I never got lesser than Top 5 in class, and I never had the courage to stand up to anyone. I was known to be a potential victim of bully. But after weeks from that huge mistake Dad made, how Mom got crushed, how I couldn't do much but to watch everything falls apart, I changed. I was so mad that once, my Dad wanted to see me in school, with tears streaming cause I was infuriated, I showed him a middle finger to him in front of my teachers.

At that time, I had to stand for my Mom, while my two younger siblings were too young to make decisions and were staying with Dad. Mom and me, was taken care of my current Dad, who was not as educated as him but much caring and gives the attention from a father I never had.

*Come back another time for more chapters of my life. I have a lot more to tell. So stay tuned.

Saturday, October 5, 2013



I have been reflecting time and time again about. Stoning for hours, and even days. Literally stoning, not even a small movement made while doing so. Not even a glimpse on the watch nor on the phone. Seeing how day became night and eventually becomes day again.
Realisation seem to show a bit of complacency, but to reach this mark its not what many have reached.

I must admit, I am lacking in it. The lack of responsibility, not just in work, but in my social norms. What I should be doing or shouldn't do? What I should or should not say?

Yes, one of my policy is plain honesty. But it has boundaries that should be taken seriously. Not just words, but gestures too.

I now can understand how people who don't seem to get satisfied with my atrocious ways of doing stuffs, but I myself, is just the same; human.

These 3 are the main points. That is killing me. I am the designer of my own catastrophe.
Its like a snowball, everything links up. Everything is equally killing you, affecting you and important to you. Like I say, though realisation of flaws don't do shit, some cant even accomplish that step. Now, I am trying my best, to avoid practising these flaws. Problems can't have solutions of the time, but they can be controlled. Taking control. Making decisions. Making time.

This blogpost could have been more detailed, but for now, I shouldn't try to say the wrong stuffs, the unnecessary stuffs, the stuffs that just wouldn't make the points clear. So #ridhwannabes , flaws that you know can be changed, change it.