Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Leaving The Company

I really wish people would accept my decision and understand that it hurts so much that I have to come to this decision.

I left a company, but my former friends made it sound like I quit friendship and have betrayed them.

Videos used to be about PASSION. Real passion. Jianhao used to stay up late with me. We script together, when we had no office. Asking a piece of paper and pen from McDonalds, I will spam all my crazy ideas and he will filter according to feasibility. We will take turns to edit, wake up together, sleep together, eat together, I saw him grow.

Yes, I saw him grew from nothing to something. Though everyone thinks "you are famous because of Jianhao". But nobody knows, I put him first. He was my idol. I will not talk back, or talk bad behind him. Everything he does is right, and I would try to insert his name in my newspaper articles when I was soaring in my Ah Boys To Men journey.  Yes, the good articles, before the bad ones were made.

I left cause I was not earning much. Barely enough. Overworked. And I thought my friends respected my decision of leaving, so I can sort things out on running my responsibilities at home. I need to take care of my sick mom and 4 younger siblings who are in school. Everyone thinks I am famous, means I am rich. I am not famous. I am known a little for my work, my entertainment online, and I am not rich. Neither was I making ends meet. I remember, when I was working as a waiter, I can earn more, and see my mom, but not when I was with THEJIANHAOTANCO. I helped to build that company, with my barehands, maybe not my money, but my sweat and tears and blood. And after a year, I decided to leave.

"You can come back, if you think this decision to leave was a bad idea.."

Next thing you know, the place I sleep, was cleaned away. I slept in that small room for 3 hours on average a day. Yes, I was lacking of sleep. I could pause my work after 9pm, but by then my mom would be asleep, so I was lucky to have a girlfriend, to remind myself, "hey, I have a life, other than work, work, work".

My items were returned partially, there are alot more items not returned, I guess they are keeping it for props. And I just felt sad. They have to rush the fact, to share the fact, that I left. When Naomi left, there was like a chill period. Nobody gives insensitive remarks. Jianhao reminded me to not be indirecting and hurt his ex girlfriend. Why didn't he remind Vincent and Danial not to indirect me. I kept quiet, not post anything... cause I was GENUINELY HURT. I am his bestfriend? Many times I said, I am "Ridhwan Azman" I wanna leave, I am not like you Jianhao, you have grown, I am stained, with controversies, I don't want to be a burden...  That he thank on a award show.. or maybe to make him look good? I don't recognise my bestfriend anymore. I don't have friends anymore. But it is okay.
I never wanted a war. I still wanna make videos, when I feel like it. At my own pace, for purely passion. I left to lead a simple life. I am fortunate, to have come to this decision, to leave, to finally have more time with mom, not just one or two dinners in a month.. to have a girlfriend who many hates for no reason, just because she is too young or etc.

Fuck it, I live my life. "Attention seeking"? You "angkat" everyone, you tweet shit to get RTs, so do not tell me I am attention seeking. Well, leaving was not to gain more attention... it is to lose the attention... so stop talking as if I need someone to be successful. You guys are here when he is something big, but when he was nothing, where were you? I hope you can find someone better, you will make it. Yup, we were silly making stupid promises, but hey, I kept them. I guess I am the only one keeping them still and you do not have to say anything nice about me anymore.

And please guys.. Being more famous and rich, means successful?? Really?

Don't define success like that.

No better way than to end my 2015 this way. I will never come back. So please, stop commenting shit on my social media posts guys, it hurts me. And if you hate my videos, you can subscribe to Jianhao and unsubscribe to mine. Thanks.

I guess this is goodbye. From strangers, to my bestfriend, to my boss, to strangers again. I do not hate you. You will be the best. Better everyday. All the best.