Change

So right now, I am finally serving my National Service. I must say, I am still trying to accept the fact that its my responsibility, just like other Singaporean sons, and it would be good if I take pride in it, instead of being so bitter about it. Been a shitty week before enlistment. To top it up, my parents didn't send me to the enlistment. It was my bro, Jianhao. Damn weird, damn sad but also damn touched. Jianhao was talking to me like a dad, asking me "get familiarise of the place" as he sat beside me as th bus drove in the camp. Laying low is not easy, even when my funky hair is chopped off. Thanks to the army theme movie that most of the people who knew me from, I have tons of attention, which most of them are unwanted. Yes, at that time, that very moment, I couln't embrace it. It was horrible. I admit, ever since that incident "Ah Boy To Men actor hit girlfriend", I can't take pride in my work. I can't look up in the public. At first, all those attention I usually get from the movie and Youtube videos, that was already too much for me. I am shy, as much as I seem to be thick-skinned and outgoing. It takes alot of me to be that goofy guy that can make you guys entertained. I do this for a living. To pursue what I have I am passionate in. As much I sometimes wanna give it up, I can't imagine if I had never chose this path. Really hate it when people think, I am "walking like a big fuck", "arrogant" and shits like that. Fucking hate it. And when I tell them about my humble background, how I have climbed from shits like how my degree holder father decides to throw away that relationship that they have invested in for more than a decade for our Indonesian maid, how I grew up seeing violence, how I had to mature and stand by my mom, living the hard life and people think, "OH, don't do all these then, get a proper job" or "don't ask for pityness". These people don't know shit. I know that's how the society work, but I am not giving any hesitation to put this small effort to NOT EXPLAIN FOR MYSELF, but to voiceout for those who sink into a simillar mess like me. And trust me, as much as how I hate judgemental people, I judge too. BUT BUT BUT!! I don't bring someone down, till they are so fucking close to their graves, and this was just for something that isn't pleasing to know about you you bitches. It may not hurt, annoy or do whatsoever shit to you DIRECTLY and you are NOT involved AND you don't know this shit first hand (and social media platforms are SO FUCKING NOT) but you act as if you are liable to get in this shit together, and worsen it further. Chill, think, judge and comment, but use some heart if you are the better human than the one you are vigorously bringing down.

I am fine. I am doing better. I must say I died, and now I am back stronger. It's like a bouncing ball, throw it hard dwon to the ground, it will shoot up and straight to face before zooming up to the sky. Either me and Luna together or not, I think you guys shouldn't know. Get a life unless you admire my work, you're one of my awesome #ridhwannabes , then I am fine to share with you more about me. I may not have alot of fans, I may not have a big role in the movie, the movie may not win an Oscar, but to EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU who supports me, love to know how I am doing in my lives, giving me just a bit of hope that this skinny, poor, pathetic Malay boy can make a difference in the society, I can't describe to you how thankful I am. To those fuckers who insult any of you for standing for me, you can shoot them back or whatsoever, and know I am thankful. I must say, when I succumb to all those insults, gave in to them and fuck myself up. Admitting to my large scale of audience, a mistake that I regret so fucking badly, I didn't expect anyone to have my back. Really didn't know it will turn out that way. Up till today, I keep thinking about it. I have a mind to think. I read indirect comments on Facebook, stares in public, and those daily insults I get directly when my social feed is about something totally different. Word spread to others, claiming I give "bad media" but the thing is this people just can't let go of some topic that is so hot as mine, so thank me, admire me, cause for my shit, you guys get something to write about. You haters can feel better for once, and bring someone down, lower than whenever you have always been and always be at.

I am not trying to feed you haters cause you guys will still take a bite on me either if I ignore or have moved on, but yea, I just gotta say out what's been in my mind. I am still driven, thanks to my friends who didn't pick sides, to fans who didn't lose faith in me, and to my family that will never give up on me. My passion drives me. My love drives me further. And also my brother, Jianhao Tan. Guys, don't insult her, don't be like those hooligans. We're better than that. Dont blame it on Luna. Don't insult Luna. Don't say nasty things about her please. Say it to me, but no your limits cause I don't owe you shit and you don't know in this shit.

I learnt something which is really crucial. About change..

Change is inevitable. Uncomfortable. Some have difficulty in accepting and adapting, while some never stop fighting against it.

Change is necessary for someone, as he or she changes as times goes by, to what they really meant to be.

Change someone is not possible, and shouldn't be attempted. You can touch someone, but make that change if they don't choose to. It's up to them.

Change. Meeting someone would either changing you, or you resulting him or her to change.

I will never want to change things; stop doing what I love, stop being with my bestfriend Jianhao, family, and all #ridhwannabes . NS has changed my lifestyle. Its uncomfortable, really. But I guess I have to adapt for this change. and up till today my love for Luna, the girl you guys keep mocking me with, "Eh Chris Brown" and shit.. is not gonna change and I don't want to. I am afraid it would. They say "it's us against the world". This time, I am doing it literally. Not only against those haters of mine, but to the loved ones who would never want to see another occurence of being in such a shitty state. This time, its gonna be different. Not saying we won't quarrel, but I am working hard. Some would say she is stupid, or I am stupid, but I believe pople who are not in this story of just me and Luna, and coming in like they know alot, those people are fucking stupid. So just carry on with your lives, not to late to find one.

It's hard.
It's already hard to feel for a girl when you know deep inside you are nothing.

It gets worse when you don't treat her well due to my emotions; jealousy and anger.

It gets worse as you realised you just fucking slapped her. Looking at the scar right after, you feel like just hurting yourself more.

It gets worse when you feel more unworthy, compared to the first time.

Worser as the whole World knows about it and starts slamming you hard.

Worser as you see gets sadder and weaker, when all you ever wanted is to make her happy.

Worser when I have to thicken my skin, destroy my ego and pride and submit myself to her for another chance to win her heart when the first chance was already impossible.

And now I continue telling you guys, either yto those who like my work, heard just my worst, or whatsoever.. I want things to get better. I want that kinda "change". And I aasking you guys, if there would be a necessary change in yourselves, handle it well. Let me at least feel I am worthy to make a positive change in your lives, even if it's a smile, or a share of this post, or just a short realisations that you guys can relate to, cause all I ever wanted is to never let my limitations and past, making a positive change within the crowd. That will never change. P.S - I am fine. Trust me, staying just "fine" ain't my thing. Lots of love to all of you. Jianhao. Luna. Family. Friends. Ridhwannabes.