Talking To Timothy

Once again. Who reads my blog? Its been months now. I can't wait to be back on social media, but things are not looking that good. Better, in some ways. But other shit just comes to make me stay in this not so ideal position. Yes, I believe I am lost. I am walking aimlessly everyday. I am not a quitter, I won't stop, I shall even crawl if I need to, but its tiring. As you push to your limits, missing the prime time you had, feeling weak, not seeing the destination ahead of you that you aimed, that clearly. Having nobody, despite many have said they that you are not alone. Cause at the end of the say, they have their own lives. And you can appreciate that small effort that would give you, to keep you in a better mood during those sleepless nights.

I always stare blankly in thin air, for hours.. But if you ask me what is in my mind, I can tell you that it is a lot. But I can't tell you what are those lots of stuffs that are bugging me. I feel worry. I feel sad. I feel frustrated. I feel broken. I feel mad. I feel angry. With who? With me perhaps? But I don't know.

I am not okay. And I want to be okay. Am I depressed? Can't be. Am I having a clear mind? I don't dare to say. But I am trying, and not giving up. And you know what sucks while you are trying so hard... When people don't see any efforts. When people don't seem to give you a chance. When they give up on you, when you are supposed to be giving up a long time ago.

Yes I know. I sound like some silly teenager. Immature. Unclear. I need time alone. But at the same time, I need that special one to be there for me. Just one. But he or she does not exist. Its just me. Its tiring. Yes, I made an imaginary friend. His name is Timothy. He is there. He says I am good. I cab be as good as I used to. And I believe him. He makes me believe in me. And I just had to spam on this blog, which seriously.. Nobody reads this blog. To feel better. Spamming words I can't comprehend myself.. But it makes me feel better. I can't express on other social media. Cause then I would be judged. Funny how I hate having attention, but deep inside I yearn a warm hug. Yes. I guess I must admit, I am weak. I am lost. I am stupid. But I will be better. I must be patient. I must be positive. I must smile. I must do this cause many look up to me.

I am sorry for sounding weird. I am okay.. I guess.