Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Leaving The Company

I really wish people would accept my decision and understand that it hurts so much that I have to come to this decision.

I left a company, but my former friends made it sound like I quit friendship and have betrayed them.

Videos used to be about PASSION. Real passion. Jianhao used to stay up late with me. We script together, when we had no office. Asking a piece of paper and pen from McDonalds, I will spam all my crazy ideas and he will filter according to feasibility. We will take turns to edit, wake up together, sleep together, eat together, I saw him grow.

Yes, I saw him grew from nothing to something. Though everyone thinks "you are famous because of Jianhao". But nobody knows, I put him first. He was my idol. I will not talk back, or talk bad behind him. Everything he does is right, and I would try to insert his name in my newspaper articles when I was soaring in my Ah Boys To Men journey.  Yes, the good articles, before the bad ones were made.

I left cause I was not earning much. Barely enough. Overworked. And I thought my friends respected my decision of leaving, so I can sort things out on running my responsibilities at home. I need to take care of my sick mom and 4 younger siblings who are in school. Everyone thinks I am famous, means I am rich. I am not famous. I am known a little for my work, my entertainment online, and I am not rich. Neither was I making ends meet. I remember, when I was working as a waiter, I can earn more, and see my mom, but not when I was with THEJIANHAOTANCO. I helped to build that company, with my barehands, maybe not my money, but my sweat and tears and blood. And after a year, I decided to leave.

"You can come back, if you think this decision to leave was a bad idea.."

Next thing you know, the place I sleep, was cleaned away. I slept in that small room for 3 hours on average a day. Yes, I was lacking of sleep. I could pause my work after 9pm, but by then my mom would be asleep, so I was lucky to have a girlfriend, to remind myself, "hey, I have a life, other than work, work, work".

My items were returned partially, there are alot more items not returned, I guess they are keeping it for props. And I just felt sad. They have to rush the fact, to share the fact, that I left. When Naomi left, there was like a chill period. Nobody gives insensitive remarks. Jianhao reminded me to not be indirecting and hurt his ex girlfriend. Why didn't he remind Vincent and Danial not to indirect me. I kept quiet, not post anything... cause I was GENUINELY HURT. I am his bestfriend? Many times I said, I am "Ridhwan Azman" I wanna leave, I am not like you Jianhao, you have grown, I am stained, with controversies, I don't want to be a burden...  That he thank on a award show.. or maybe to make him look good? I don't recognise my bestfriend anymore. I don't have friends anymore. But it is okay.
I never wanted a war. I still wanna make videos, when I feel like it. At my own pace, for purely passion. I left to lead a simple life. I am fortunate, to have come to this decision, to leave, to finally have more time with mom, not just one or two dinners in a month.. to have a girlfriend who many hates for no reason, just because she is too young or etc.

Fuck it, I live my life. "Attention seeking"? You "angkat" everyone, you tweet shit to get RTs, so do not tell me I am attention seeking. Well, leaving was not to gain more attention... it is to lose the attention... so stop talking as if I need someone to be successful. You guys are here when he is something big, but when he was nothing, where were you? I hope you can find someone better, you will make it. Yup, we were silly making stupid promises, but hey, I kept them. I guess I am the only one keeping them still and you do not have to say anything nice about me anymore.

And please guys.. Being more famous and rich, means successful?? Really?

Don't define success like that.

No better way than to end my 2015 this way. I will never come back. So please, stop commenting shit on my social media posts guys, it hurts me. And if you hate my videos, you can subscribe to Jianhao and unsubscribe to mine. Thanks.

I guess this is goodbye. From strangers, to my bestfriend, to my boss, to strangers again. I do not hate you. You will be the best. Better everyday. All the best.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

My Insecurities

I have pimples and acne scars. It may seem like I am so confident about how I look, especially on how narcissistic I may appear like with my selfies everyday on my Instagram. However, my appearance.. it's one of my many insecurities that I have. And like most guys out there would say if they are asked to do something with their face or looks, they will say around this line

 "Where got time?"

They ask a few questions, to ask about where exactly are my worries about my face, and they took down details to match on which treatment matches me and which problem shall be focused on. I had this lepak corner, they served me nice cute portion of yogurt and a glass of refreshing fruit punch.

It was around 2 hours. I dozed off a little while they were massaging my face, and Jianhao told me I was snoring. (his bed was next to mine) That was how relaxing it was. And I came out feeling refresh. 

But that should not be the case. First impressions are important. You gotta look your best. Be it if you wanna find a partner or be single for the rest of your life. When you meet people, during interviews or events, you must look presentable. It's way of showing respect. And the face is where it draws most attention from, during interactions.

So thankfully, my beloved bestfriend; Jianhao, recommended me Bellazza Aesthetics.

Bellezza Aesthetics is a place that provides beauty treatments for face, eyes and body.

According to what the beautician told me, they use a lot of high technology machines and equipments to help achieve better results. 

Time to get rid of those eyes bags too, due too late night editing every day. I was welcomed with friendly faces, and they guided me through the heavenly sanctuary. I felt ready to be pampered :)

Without me noticing, as I was licking the bowl of yogurt clean, they told me it was my turn. As I got in my "sexy" robe (HAHA JOKING), I laid on the bed, with soothing music playing in the background, which totally got my mind off of everything for a while, indulging in the serenity.


No doubt, I would come back here again, and guys, go try it. Put more effort in looking good. Cause' when you feel good, with good skin, and especially with good company, life is good. Below are details on how to get there and how to book an appointment :)

Feel free to quote my name "RIDHWAN" to get your first trial (Award-winning Timeless Radiance Customized Facial worth $268) with them at only $18.

I have included their details below as well. 
100 Tanjong Pagar Road #01-100/102
Singapore 088521

Business Hours
Tues - Fri: 12pm - 9pm
Sat & Sun: 10am - 6pm
Mon & PH: Closed

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Blogged Again

Today, I am gonna write because I just realised... I have a blog.

My last post was ages ago. I read all my old posts, the way I write, my terrible sentence structures, my immature thoughts... I cringe but yet acceptive of how much I have grown.

I mean, I started being under the limelight since 2009. I wasn't that known, but it was already huge enough for me to see my scrawny little self appearing on TV, and competing in a singing competition that wasn't my language.

I wasn't even sure that I could act and ended up in 2 movies. And now.. I found myself on YouTube. And things are going pretty well, and I think I wanna do this for long.

I mean, in YouTube, I can direct, I can script, perform, market, edit.. blah blah blah... and I am doing it with my friends that I can imagine being with for the rest of my life.

Fame, can die off. Have you heard of "has beens". Stars easily die. New stars, that are much prettier and talented shall come by. Singapore has talents.. local idols are well supported.

Evidently, during YouTube FanFest recently, I could see there are even amount of fans for the local stars and for the international ones. The common saying where people say; they are nothing compared to those who do world tour, and are in Hollywood. 

Not only doctors and lawyers earn much money.

I hope there would be lesser people having hatred. I hate. But I hate to compete. I hate myself so much for doing stupid stuffs in the past. But I know I am so much better. Cause I never knew I could walk on the red carpet once again this year. I never knew I would still be around. And I am planning to stick around, and work harder. So I can smile again, to those people who gave up on me, thinking that I am left behind.. well I won't. Now that's the way I handle my hatred... I hate "me" and beat that "me" I was yesterday.

P.S - hope that I will blog again, tell me if you do read, then maybe I would write more. Pardon my English, I no good one in the writing laaa.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Who Are You?

I see so many bloggers and trust me.. so many are the same! They model for blogshops, take elegant OOTDs on Instagram daily, showing off their "classy" lifestyle and pretty looking food, showing off their wide range of different outfits, has around 10k -  20k followers on Instagram, their captions are made by some cliché positive quote... Blogging is to express and record important details in your life, and share your opinions based on the things you've learned personally. But some seem to not have a real life to begin with.

Yes, most of the bloggers are female, and mostly; the guys that blog, aren't straight. Not me, I love girls too much hahah! I am just a loud person, pouring my mind out on random nights, having opinions on almost anything. And I just had to express my thoughts cause I see hundreds of bloggers, trying to copy each other, and they do not have a good flair in writing, nor do they seem to have a personality that is uniquely likeable.. And everyone is just trying to fit in, than rather create an identity that is authentic and lasting.

Why I am here too is because I told myself, I need to tweet lesser, cause people find it annoying and may unfollow.. so I am here, just writing shit. And honestly, only a handful of bloggers, that can make me really say; "hey you blog well" or "you are a good blogger".

Once again, I am a not a blogger. I am just a dude writing crap on a blog, which I don't think many would read. But I must say, this shit I am writing, aren't as bad as some blogposts by some people that have the audacity to label themselves bloggers. And don't judge my writing :(

Pardon the Klaus GIFS #TheOriginals #FanBoy

It took me awhile, to accept the word "Youtuber" towards myself. Even though I do appear on various videos frequently. Cause doesn't mean you have an account, you made maybe one or two videos in your life, that maybe hit a big amount of views, you are considered as a Youtuber. Thus it goes the same way in blogging.

This goes to another point of mine which is, being real. You see, from social media is how people know what you do in your life. And followers show how many are interested in that life of yours. But it is sad, when you have to fake a good life, and everything seems to be the materialistic things that you possess, that makes up your life.

I am not referring to any fashion enthusiast or those who really are passionate in food photography.. I am referring to those who do it just to follow someone, when they do not knkw they are truly.

Without those pretty stuffs.. you are..

Yes, you have to show a good side of your life, but life has both sides. Your good side is a fake one, your bad side you are ashamed of. Then you are losing both sides of life. You are just not living life the way its suppose to be.

My mother used to say "why take Vines/covers in our house, our house so messy, not so nice!". But hey, do I need to stay in a condo, or a mansion since I am well-known? No. I am proud of my home. I am not even afraid of unglam photos of myself. You gotta be confident. That is way better than trying hard to take a good selfie everyday, with your classy outfit, and faking a positively inspiring caption, especially when deep inside, you are not really living life to the fullest.

2015, shall be another year in my life. Another chance for me to discover myself, cause as much as you think you know yourself, there is something you may not know about you. So be you. Be confident. Take a leap, and be real to yourself when all these people are looking up to you. Its the best you could do, not only for them, but for yourself especially.

To end it off, do comment under the blogpost, and suggest to me.. what you want me to write about next time. I tweet, but I try not to annoy people who follow if I would answer every single question. I answer questions on too, mostly the ones that I feel like answering haha! And lastly I can also be here, sharing a lengthy opinion based on my perspective. My blogpost is not trying to shoot anyone alrights? Haha! So be real ;)

Sunday, December 28, 2014

Fuck It

I am never like this. I was never so impatient. So angry. So messed up. So aggressive. So.. messed up.

It is sad how people might think I am all that, that they would pick me as a role model, but I am not. Far from it. And I am far from who I was, 3 years ago. Or 10 years ago.

Things change me, after time. And now, I feel like I am a monster. All because of being too hurt.

I got hurt first when my real Dad made expectations on me. Then how the "cool kids" looked down on me. Then the girls who don't believe in me.. then people who just trying to bring me down.. the list gets longer and longer.. And I just get so into all these shit, trying to please them, that I lost myself.

Girls.. yes I said it, destroyed me. I give my fucking best always, but nothing I get. I get played out. Might as well I be a player, but hey, I can't. I am not a dickhead like some dudes out there. Scars.. There was the all so-infamous incident of how my ex left me, and it wasn't a simple breakup. I mean who breaks up infront of the whole Nation, and gets on the news? Then there some girls who play me out, and used me for my fame. And then there were some who utter "you are perfect" and "I love you"... but they walked away on me. Whoever you think you are, thanks, for all these shit. And I swear I couldn't cope all theses well. And I wish all you girls out there, the fucking best.

Friends, are just a handful that I would wanna keep forever. The rest are just.. I don't know, I just don't know them, despite the years that I have known them. Back in Secondary School, I didn't have cliques. I don't watch movies. I was a noob. I was not really a geek or a nerd, but I was simply not cool. Just a dude who sings, thats all.

Family.. real Dad left us for our maid. He wanted me to follow his steps, get into Raffles Institution, get a degree, but look at him? He looks down on my passion and only when I reached a certain height, he comes asking me how I am doing? Commenting how videos should be done.. like what the fuck. And then there was this great man who was deserving to be called Dad, that I dearly loved, but God took him away this year. Siblings look up to me. Mom is sick. How is this 21 year old dude, gonna support his family? Adulthood sucks.

How is this acting big fuck? How is this "hao lian"? And I am so fucking not trying to get attention, so please fuck off if you think I am. I am expressing. I keep it to myself, but I use social media to let it go.. cause nobody wants to hear these shit..

And can this mess live it well in 2015, I don't know. I am scared.
taking fine photos to post daily on Instagram. Making people laugh, but deep inside, I am a mess.

I wanna be detailed. But I can't. This post is not even 1% of the shit that has been messing my head.

I am trying my best to stay positive. I am trying. I am just afraid, the Ridhwan that everyone knows, who can do anything, sing Chinese songs, act in Chinese movies, though he is poor and shit.. one day just... I don't know, lose it. I am sorry.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Nuggets, I Will Be Waiting

I am not good at making good titles for my posts. But hey, I just need to express and here I am again.

This post is to you whom I shall not say.

I have been through the shittiest break-up in the past, and I should be the one who would be traumatised to be in a relationship. But after meeting you, I was felt courage to go for another round of pain cause you there are so perfect.

You see the best in me, when I was just nothing impressive as I describe myself from the first few times we talked. I was in fact pushing you away, but you saw the goodness that was left in me, and made me believe in myself. You made me my anger, and ego, lower by your presence. You there is the one I really never knew exist in this nasty world. Yes, I would do anything for you, to be happy and I want you to be a better person like how you bring the best in me. But how can I let go something so perfect just go? You gave me courage in me, to love myself, once again, but it seems I can't give you the courage like how you did give to me.

I am broken, really broken. To know it was all going well, but then due to fear, you gave it up. Let's just say the feelings been put aside. Will you ever come back and call me, and say that you are ready? Well I would take that slim chance. I would do anything. I wanted to spend my Christmas with you. My new year with you. My birthday with you. I am sorry I doubted your feelings. I know its real. But it frustrates me when I don't see a point where two parties are doing so well, and feeling so much genuinely, but just due fear, your fear, its gone. I can't take it. I am typing shit. I sound immature. I sound desperate, pathetic. But hey, I am still believing, I will be missing.. you. Why did it end so fast when it was never given a chance to start? Its like not wanting to live when you know there's death at the end of the road. I will be waiting for you.. I will be here for you, pinky promise.

P.S - I sound stupid. Love makes you stupid. But fuck it, my fucking blog.

Friday, November 28, 2014

My Sex Story

Hey guys..

The title is random, ignore it, hahah! #TROLL

I know not many would read this. Don't know if you would a hater or a fan, cause some hater still care about my social life though they claim I am shit. But hey, who wouldn't be interested in my "interesting" life, haha! Kidding.

Gonna talk about the heart. No, its not gonna be a biological lecture. As much as the mind can store as much knowledge, to guide you with its intelligence, and its proven statistics so you would be better in making the "right" decisions... the heart still can have the final say. And the "right" decisions, which are made just because the probabilty is higher, or there's a system made by social norms, thus making these decisions "right".

Okay, I hope you understand what I am trying to say, cause I don't. Haha! I am a person who follows the heart more than the brain. I am emotional, cause I believe it is always right. Cause I realised that when I don't feel good, I don't do good. And yes, my way is not right. Neither the way of people who follow their brain more their heart is right. Both of these ways has its pros and cons, it has to be a balanced, or sometimes a gamble or sacrifice. Cause as much as you want it all, you can't have it all. And as much as things may not be seen as lasting, but if it matters to you that much, then God damn it, get it. You may fail from the first attempt. Then change your strategy, be persistent, and let time tell if it does matter to you.

To know what kind of approach you should use, you see if you want it that bad. To know if you want it that bad... Imagine you put your head in the water. And I would hold your head down from getting out of the water. You will struggle. You will want air. WANT IT AS MUCH AS YOU NEED AIR, and that is when you know you want it that bad. That is how I put myself if I want success. I want it that freaking bad, that sometimes sleep and eating is not as important. Or anything else.

Once again, that is me, when I want something that bad. You gotta have a balance. You gotta know what you want, how much you want, and how you gonna get it.

Secondly, remove "fear". "Everything you want is on the other side of fear." by Jack Canfield.

You can maybe pretend, which would help you for awhile, but you can't keep thinking that it is not there. Fear and faith is the same thing.. just that fear is in towards the wrong direction. Don't be afraid to fail. What's the point of being alive if you can't at least try to do something remarkable?

So yea... I intend to speak my mind out here, keeping things general... cause I am already damn open and real on Twitter. But hey, its a topic I felt for, and I hope I did make some sense. You see? I am not afraid to blog and I do want to still blog, so yea, cheers people :D

P.S - I realised I am always lacking of photos... so here is a random photo of my camwhoring.