I am trying to get use to blogging. I wanna appreciate blogging as much as I love to make videos. But when I comes to writing, I intend to be very personal, very detailed and sometimes too emotional. But I guess I will just stick to it despite feeling uncomfortable sharing so much.
I am afraid.
Afraid of losing people. These few days, I have seen many people, passed away. I know every second, someone on us this world will have to go. But it has been big emphasis on the social media platforms. Even people I don't really know or have met, I feel so much for their loss. Sometimes I wonder, what happens if next would someone that means a lot to me. That fear haunts almost everyday. And to make myself a little better, all I can do is to try and appreciate everyone's presence. Be it my Mom, my Dad, my siblings, my best friend, my girlfriend, my fans, a security guard, anyone. Every single person means a lot to me. It's never a right to say goodbye. And I can't possibly prepare enough to overcome such painful loss one fine day.
Afraid of being judge. I always tell my bro Jianhao, how in the canteen back in Secondary School, during recess, I would sit alone. Anyone who would wanna sit with me would be welcomed. But I never had that "clique" or best friend. There were nice friends, but the differences in our lifestyles could not make us as close as I am with Jianhao. People lepak together, watch movie and all. But me? I can't. I must say cause I am too poor. Not that cool. Yes, the whole school know that I am a performer. But they don't know how free and happy I am only when I am on stage. My family background weren't very nice too. And I was just not confident of myself to fit in anywhere.
These 2 fears, are things I am trying my best to overcome it but it still scares the shit out of me still. Yes, cockroaches and heights scare the shit out of me. My pain tolerance is damn low, and I cry almost as much as I laugh. But to be judged, not able to live by people's expectations, it kills me slowly. Even my biological dad look down on me. And till this very day, as much as I put effort based on my limitations, some people just have to bring me down. Insult me so much. And I don't want to lose anyone of you, although we have never even met. I feel a lot for Cory from Glee, I have no idea how his girlfriend is coping. I went to Taiwan to watch JJLin's concert. He sung a few songs and one of it he dedicated to his grandma. And the next thing you know, a few days later, she passed away. It hurts. Sometimes I rather die first than to overcome such losses. I am not being suicidal, but it is less painful than to see one by one, those you love, just go forever.
I am very afraid. But I know, fear helps to realize which part of you that you gotta work on. Which points to work on to be stronger than you already are. I am afraid, but I will make it. Cause that's what life is. You were born with no fear, learning to walk and not being scared even a bit to fall. To get hurt. Yes you just cry, but if you have belief, then belief shall pick you up and comfort you. And eventually you learn. Fear keeps my adrenaline running. Stress before going on stage? Stress before going on a competition? That is what all the other champions and legends felt before victory.
So tell me what you feel? What is your fear? Be proud of it. Tweet me ;)