Sunday, December 28, 2014

Fuck It

I am never like this. I was never so impatient. So angry. So messed up. So aggressive. So.. messed up.

It is sad how people might think I am all that, that they would pick me as a role model, but I am not. Far from it. And I am far from who I was, 3 years ago. Or 10 years ago.

Things change me, after time. And now, I feel like I am a monster. All because of being too hurt.

I got hurt first when my real Dad made expectations on me. Then how the "cool kids" looked down on me. Then the girls who don't believe in me.. then people who just trying to bring me down.. the list gets longer and longer.. And I just get so into all these shit, trying to please them, that I lost myself.

Girls.. yes I said it, destroyed me. I give my fucking best always, but nothing I get. I get played out. Might as well I be a player, but hey, I can't. I am not a dickhead like some dudes out there. Scars.. There was the all so-infamous incident of how my ex left me, and it wasn't a simple breakup. I mean who breaks up infront of the whole Nation, and gets on the news? Then there some girls who play me out, and used me for my fame. And then there were some who utter "you are perfect" and "I love you"... but they walked away on me. Whoever you think you are, thanks, for all these shit. And I swear I couldn't cope all theses well. And I wish all you girls out there, the fucking best.

Friends, are just a handful that I would wanna keep forever. The rest are just.. I don't know, I just don't know them, despite the years that I have known them. Back in Secondary School, I didn't have cliques. I don't watch movies. I was a noob. I was not really a geek or a nerd, but I was simply not cool. Just a dude who sings, thats all.

Family.. real Dad left us for our maid. He wanted me to follow his steps, get into Raffles Institution, get a degree, but look at him? He looks down on my passion and only when I reached a certain height, he comes asking me how I am doing? Commenting how videos should be done.. like what the fuck. And then there was this great man who was deserving to be called Dad, that I dearly loved, but God took him away this year. Siblings look up to me. Mom is sick. How is this 21 year old dude, gonna support his family? Adulthood sucks.

How is this acting big fuck? How is this "hao lian"? And I am so fucking not trying to get attention, so please fuck off if you think I am. I am expressing. I keep it to myself, but I use social media to let it go.. cause nobody wants to hear these shit..

And can this mess live it well in 2015, I don't know. I am scared.
taking fine photos to post daily on Instagram. Making people laugh, but deep inside, I am a mess.

I wanna be detailed. But I can't. This post is not even 1% of the shit that has been messing my head.

I am trying my best to stay positive. I am trying. I am just afraid, the Ridhwan that everyone knows, who can do anything, sing Chinese songs, act in Chinese movies, though he is poor and shit.. one day just... I don't know, lose it. I am sorry.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Nuggets, I Will Be Waiting

I am not good at making good titles for my posts. But hey, I just need to express and here I am again.

This post is to you whom I shall not say.

I have been through the shittiest break-up in the past, and I should be the one who would be traumatised to be in a relationship. But after meeting you, I was felt courage to go for another round of pain cause you there are so perfect.

You see the best in me, when I was just nothing impressive as I describe myself from the first few times we talked. I was in fact pushing you away, but you saw the goodness that was left in me, and made me believe in myself. You made me my anger, and ego, lower by your presence. You there is the one I really never knew exist in this nasty world. Yes, I would do anything for you, to be happy and I want you to be a better person like how you bring the best in me. But how can I let go something so perfect just go? You gave me courage in me, to love myself, once again, but it seems I can't give you the courage like how you did give to me.

I am broken, really broken. To know it was all going well, but then due to fear, you gave it up. Let's just say the feelings been put aside. Will you ever come back and call me, and say that you are ready? Well I would take that slim chance. I would do anything. I wanted to spend my Christmas with you. My new year with you. My birthday with you. I am sorry I doubted your feelings. I know its real. But it frustrates me when I don't see a point where two parties are doing so well, and feeling so much genuinely, but just due fear, your fear, its gone. I can't take it. I am typing shit. I sound immature. I sound desperate, pathetic. But hey, I am still believing, I will be missing.. you. Why did it end so fast when it was never given a chance to start? Its like not wanting to live when you know there's death at the end of the road. I will be waiting for you.. I will be here for you, pinky promise.

P.S - I sound stupid. Love makes you stupid. But fuck it, my fucking blog.

Friday, November 28, 2014

My Sex Story

Hey guys..

The title is random, ignore it, hahah! #TROLL

I know not many would read this. Don't know if you would a hater or a fan, cause some hater still care about my social life though they claim I am shit. But hey, who wouldn't be interested in my "interesting" life, haha! Kidding.

Gonna talk about the heart. No, its not gonna be a biological lecture. As much as the mind can store as much knowledge, to guide you with its intelligence, and its proven statistics so you would be better in making the "right" decisions... the heart still can have the final say. And the "right" decisions, which are made just because the probabilty is higher, or there's a system made by social norms, thus making these decisions "right".

Okay, I hope you understand what I am trying to say, cause I don't. Haha! I am a person who follows the heart more than the brain. I am emotional, cause I believe it is always right. Cause I realised that when I don't feel good, I don't do good. And yes, my way is not right. Neither the way of people who follow their brain more their heart is right. Both of these ways has its pros and cons, it has to be a balanced, or sometimes a gamble or sacrifice. Cause as much as you want it all, you can't have it all. And as much as things may not be seen as lasting, but if it matters to you that much, then God damn it, get it. You may fail from the first attempt. Then change your strategy, be persistent, and let time tell if it does matter to you.

To know what kind of approach you should use, you see if you want it that bad. To know if you want it that bad... Imagine you put your head in the water. And I would hold your head down from getting out of the water. You will struggle. You will want air. WANT IT AS MUCH AS YOU NEED AIR, and that is when you know you want it that bad. That is how I put myself if I want success. I want it that freaking bad, that sometimes sleep and eating is not as important. Or anything else.

Once again, that is me, when I want something that bad. You gotta have a balance. You gotta know what you want, how much you want, and how you gonna get it.

Secondly, remove "fear". "Everything you want is on the other side of fear." by Jack Canfield.

You can maybe pretend, which would help you for awhile, but you can't keep thinking that it is not there. Fear and faith is the same thing.. just that fear is in towards the wrong direction. Don't be afraid to fail. What's the point of being alive if you can't at least try to do something remarkable?

So yea... I intend to speak my mind out here, keeping things general... cause I am already damn open and real on Twitter. But hey, its a topic I felt for, and I hope I did make some sense. You see? I am not afraid to blog and I do want to still blog, so yea, cheers people :D

P.S - I realised I am always lacking of photos... so here is a random photo of my camwhoring.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

I Know

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

Well, I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
to do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
no! i wont give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts
We got yeah we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn, how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what i got, and what i'm not
And who i am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up
I won't give up (No I'm not) on us (Giving up)
God knows i'm tough, he knows (I am tough) (I am loved)
We got a lot (We're alive) to learn (We are loved)
God knows we're worth it (And we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm Still looking up

You gave me courage. You are special to me. Perfect to me. Now go study, and let things fall into place..

Wednesday, October 29, 2014


Now, its been so long since I blogged. And as much as I wish I can be as detailed here, I can't. Its because many eyes are on me, and some people out there are just gonna use such details here as a point to bring me down.

But hey, I am not gonna make this blog of mine as a medium to to express just negativity. Yes, my life ain't that good. But its been better. There will always be a good side to it. With some changes, some new things coming in, new people, new tricks that I've learnt.. And, some old things that gotta go, means it just gotta
go. There is a reason why to every single thing that is happening in our lives.

Its October now, and its just 2 more months till 2014 comes to an end. And it is unpredictable when we all will die. There is a fine line between living to the fullest and following the definition of #YOLO. You have to have a balance.

And that is it. We all trying too hard to strive for the best, and at times fall into the worst, but never am grateful for the moments that we are at, the things that we already possess. Sometimes, you just need some fine tuning in you, cause you are good enough. With a little time, some people that you would realise that should stay longer and closer to you. Yes, at this point you sound self-centred but you gotta keep protect yourself. Especially when you have hurt too much and too many times.

Once again, my posts on this blog shall be as vague as it gets, as positive I can still be, and as usual I reiterate and lie to myself that I am an "immortal" and can never be destroyed, but..

Immortality: a fate worse than death.

.. Before I close this post, and if any of you wonder when will I post regularly on this blog.. well, as soon as I can get this blog prettier. I wanna do a makeover to this blog, then maybe I shall be more enticed to write more. 

I am so not okay. I thought I was gonna be better, but its just a change of points to stress about. To really of stress, it just bugs my mind. This mind seems to show an urge to always think about something. But as long as its fine, this heart is calm, I should be doing better.

Here is the recent videos I have done :)

A cover I did for "Ms Perfect" <3

And a parody that I am proud of producing :)

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Talking To Timothy

Once again. Who reads my blog? Its been months now. I can't wait to be back on social media, but things are not looking that good. Better, in some ways. But other shit just comes to make me stay in this not so ideal position. Yes, I believe I am lost. I am walking aimlessly everyday. I am not a quitter, I won't stop, I shall even crawl if I need to, but its tiring. As you push to your limits, missing the prime time you had, feeling weak, not seeing the destination ahead of you that you aimed, that clearly. Having nobody, despite many have said they that you are not alone. Cause at the end of the say, they have their own lives. And you can appreciate that small effort that would give you, to keep you in a better mood during those sleepless nights.

I always stare blankly in thin air, for hours.. But if you ask me what is in my mind, I can tell you that it is a lot. But I can't tell you what are those lots of stuffs that are bugging me. I feel worry. I feel sad. I feel frustrated. I feel broken. I feel mad. I feel angry. With who? With me perhaps? But I don't know.

I am not okay. And I want to be okay. Am I depressed? Can't be. Am I having a clear mind? I don't dare to say. But I am trying, and not giving up. And you know what sucks while you are trying so hard... When people don't see any efforts. When people don't seem to give you a chance. When they give up on you, when you are supposed to be giving up a long time ago.

Yes I know. I sound like some silly teenager. Immature. Unclear. I need time alone. But at the same time, I need that special one to be there for me. Just one. But he or she does not exist. Its just me. Its tiring. Yes, I made an imaginary friend. His name is Timothy. He is there. He says I am good. I cab be as good as I used to. And I believe him. He makes me believe in me. And I just had to spam on this blog, which seriously.. Nobody reads this blog. To feel better. Spamming words I can't comprehend myself.. But it makes me feel better. I can't express on other social media. Cause then I would be judged. Funny how I hate having attention, but deep inside I yearn a warm hug. Yes. I guess I must admit, I am weak. I am lost. I am stupid. But I will be better. I must be patient. I must be positive. I must smile. I must do this cause many look up to me.

I am sorry for sounding weird. I am okay.. I guess.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Ghost Of Me


I don't think anyone would read my blog. Cause I didn't tweet it. Or share on my Facebook. Reason so, is that I have "retired". I am taking a long break. A very long one. Months, maybe a year. I don't know. No social media at all. Go see the latest post on my Instagram, about receiving Jianhao's generous bonus.

That's it. Its hard but so far I am fine. Downloaded more games on my phone. Playing this game called "MobFish", wrote a song which is fucking good. It is as good as Strawberry. Performing better in my National Service..

I wanna lead a normal lifestyle, stabalise the basics, cause I know I can be so called "famous" anytime I want. Being famous is easy. Staying famous is hard. For now, I will do what I am natural at.. As a Malay. Lepak.

#ridhwannabes take care.

Monday, April 7, 2014


Hey. It is me again.

It is hard for me to find the urge to blog. It is not that I hate writing. Believe it or not, this Malay guy, whose Grammar can poison a pond of fish, loves to write. But the thing is, it is never the right stuffs to write about.

Yea, I can just give some views on some random topic. But I rather have a genuine experience, learnt and share while I express in this blog of mine. Girls blog a lot. There are a lot of female bloggers in Singapore. They can write, take photos, and are pretty. And the male bloggers, not many are that serious. If they are serious, I bet you 90% of them are not straight.

But hey, I am not stereotyping shit, I am gonna build this blog up. Slowly. And let you guys know me better.

Let me guess. These are the few things you guys got to know me from:

1. Campus Superstar (2009)
2. Youtube
3. Ah Boys To Men
4. Ah Boys To Men actor slaps his girlfriend
5. Ah Boys To Men gets hacked by Anonymous

And if you Google my name, you only get the negative stuffs. I am not even gonna elaborate more on those negative events in this post. But the thing is, it is sad how some scars can never disappear. That fall, that wound, that cut, may or may not be your blame, but you hold that scar alone. As mush as you try to move on, those scars will get picked on, mocked on, and the agony has never seem to stop beneath those dried up scars.

I am sad. I started my "career" with being in a movie, and then did Youtubing. Started with just passion, just like all of my other highlights in my life. Never in my mind I would go that far. I mean, look at me, I am not even that good looking, or am I that good in singing or acting. It is really unexpected; those heights I have soared past, those depths I plunged into, all unpredictable. Jianhao Tan; my bestfriend, my brother.. continued to soar higher but he is not giving up on me who's left behind. We were suppose prosper together, but I just had to fall into piles of shit, causing him to drag me along so I could catch up with him. Never thought 2 people, with so much differences, can be bestfriends. Never thought I would have a bestfriend. Never thought of a lot of things. But I guess that's life.

I am doing this post, not because I am sad. Not to whine. Not to boast. Nor would I want bring back shit that has happened. But as I write this post, it helps me to let loose that pressure. Because by now, you guys who have followed me on my social media know that I am strongly driven by my emotions. If I love something, I will go all out for it. No matter what. But if somethings saddens me, if I don't feel good, every single thing fucks up.

Emotions; my greatest strength. My greatest weakness too. Thus, I am fortunate I have that one person that carry me along with positive thoughts, have the same direction, and would do as much for me like how I would do as much for that person. And I am not saying family and my other friends and fans are nothing. I am appreciative indeed to those who never lost faith in me, and really knew the true me. Furthermore I am not trying to sound gay and shit. But with the sad stuffs around me, that short dude really gave me the strength. He was there when my Dad passed away, when my girlfriend left me, when the whole world was against me, when I got enlisted into NS, when I was lost, and even now when I am still not performing to my best, he is still there.

Thankyou Jianhao.

Sunday, March 2, 2014


Hey. Its been awhile since I blogged.

Can't find the time. But won't let this blog die. So here I am back.

Once again, hate my blog layout, so if anyone that could improve it for me, please, please, email me or something :)

So what I am here to talk about..

My Dad just passed away. Yes. Not that name behind my name, in my birth certificate. The one that has been permanently inked in my mind and my heart. Khamis Bin Saad.

You see, my Dad and Mom met when I was around 9 or 10 years old. Their first date, the very, very first one, I was there. There I was, my Mom just finished her work at the airport, I saw this huge white lorry. Clear in my mind, with yellow curtains decorated behind the seats. As I first sat, salam him, and was wondering where to go. So we decided to watch a movie.


Yes. It was at Junction 8. And as I accompanied these two adults, cause all the calls were seen to be from me than rather them, I just be the kid I was. That date went fine, and so did the second and the third, and the fact my Mom took me along to decide any guy would be suitable for not only for her, but for me, I was glad.
Cause I swear, many guys tried to "jio" my Mom, but they are all nothing compared to this man. His hair was long, curly, like some band member in the 80s. With his super tight jeans and leather shoes. He was very, very different my biological Dad. Not just in appearance, but he knows how to win my heart. And not forgetting, my Mom's.

He knew his hair was a little to much for my taste, so he cut it short, and it was a great choice. So this man, could fill that fatherly figure position just like that, within months, when my biological Dad never did for 10 years. Strange, but true. I do not blame him, cause he is just a workaholic, but they always say, you gotta have a balanced. And I just needed that perfect father at that point.

You see, as my biological took away the house, and tries so much to reduce his responsibilities, by lowering the maintenance money, etc etc. (didn't understand much at that point) my Dad, did not leave us. He took me and my Mom at our lowest point. We had only one pair of clothes and were homeless. Yes. We had nothing. My biological.. erm Dad.. focused on saving his ass, and his relationship with his current wife, our previous maid.. let's not touch on that shall we.

So my Dad, he worked hard. But he satisfy not just the common necessities, but made sure we had time together. He advised, lectured, guided, teach, and never gave up. It got tougher for him, as I grew up. It was tough for him. But he was persevered. Up till I am almost an adult, he would lecture me till 2am, with his cigarette. At first, I must admit, it gives me body aches, headaches, and its such a chore to listen to him. But that repetitive speech, and that level of regimentation he trained us with, I am thankful. I am not that good now.. but at times, I am performing as what he has brought me up into. Responsible. Sensible. Anything that I achieved before, if it is not for him, I will never have made it. Yes, he may not be educated like my biological Dad. Or shout and cheer loudly like my Mom. He may not show love, but he is there, to blabber, despite the long hours working, and he does not give up. He does not even take medical leaves, cause he knows he need to work. He won't admit that he is unwell. He will hide all his feelings, his illness, his pain, his aches. SELF-LESS. Yes. One word I never used on anyone before but him. He only thinks of his family. Not even himself

He even stood firmly and cut off a relationship with his childhood friend, after during a Hari Raya visit, he addressed me as "step-son".

Thus, do know, that though my name has a different father behind it, on my birth certificate. But my heart has one... FATHER.

And I pray my mother and siblings would overcome this well, and have enough strength to carry on. My mother has to go on an operation soon, and that was bothering my Dad when he was alive. Hesitant as it is a risky procedure. Weekdays, I have to be back in camp cause of NS. Furthermore, I can't work. Weekends, I have to do videos.

And when I get shit on the Internet, people thinking they have the right to talk shit about me, I feel sad for them. Not mad. I wish that I can meet them. Tell my story, and I want tot hear theirs. And help them change that effort that was used for useless shit, to change it by using that effort for better and productive stuffs. Tomorrow may never come. Anyone may go anytime. It all lies to God. So do good, be good, try, and things will go right.

Thanks for reading my blog.

I love you baba.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Valentine's Day

So hey. Valentine's Day is happening, and be it single or attached, this day will affect you. Don't say you don't celebrate, or it doesn't affect you at all. One way or another, be little or a lot, it will.

The attached ones; stressing about how are they going impress their partner. Unknowingly have expectations for the opposite side, and thinking no matter how mainstream this is, they have to show their love.

The broken one; that are most probably in the getting over someone period, or just broke up, or just had a terrible argument when Valentine's Day is near.

And the "I don't care" when deep inside, they missed that feeling being loved and to love, or perhaps hoping to actually have that chance to indulge in it, but for now, acting like it is cool and not necessary.

As for me myself, I admit, I am tired of relationships. Or even to ask someone's number, to text someone, to date or "jio" someone. Cause the last relationship was hell. And what I got from that last relationship? Not just heartbroken, but hatred from people who do not know shit and do not deserve to know shit about my private life.

Yes, yes, you may tell me; "then who ask you to be famous?" and shit like that.

I never wanted fame. I wanted to sing. To act. Make videos. Do what I love. That is why I randomly tried my luck in Channel U's Campus Superstar, and Ah Boys To Men. To try, for fun. For example, which Chinese boy would wake up in the morning, and aims to win Vasantham Star, or an Indian boy having dreams to make it big in a Japanese reality show.

I must say, things are going well this year. Maybe it is because last year was ridiculously a terrible year, or so far, no "publicity stunts" or controversies occurred. It is not THAT stagnant, but it is good. I appreciate how life works. No downs, I won't understand the ups. We need both the ups and the downs.

I admit, I miss being in love. To be loved. But I am more tired, that rather hoping to be in that state again. Communication is important. You want that guy to try harder, give space, disappear etc. Never ever manipulate someone's feelings. You want sex, you want money, then be make it clear. Explicit intentions are better than hidden ones, that might just mislead someone. Disappoint someone, crushing them horribly, making them wish they had never met you. Don't hurt someone deep inside them. It hurts more than a slap or a punch or a knife stabbed deep in the chest.

It is fine, to be envious, but don't be bitter. I am jealous, especially when my friends have their girls, and I am alone. That pressure. It kills me a little. But having a girlfriend or a boyfriend is not just a possession. And make sure, you are strong enough to take care of yourself before taking care of others. Or at least be sure, that chosen one, that you choose to be in a relationship with, is able to grow with you. Grow together, as a team.

Compliment each other with each other's presence. If your existence in their lives ruin him or her, back off, and learn the meaning of sacrifice.

I have two relationships that I take for real. One that took a huge part of me. I am trying to not think all girls are the same. A beggar may deserve a princess more than a prince. Instability can be coped. It all matters, if all the parties are able to be sensitive, forgiving and compromise.

Sometimes, it is okay to pause things, letting time to solve everything. But sometimes, it hurts so much to be kept hanging. Sometimes, it is worth the fight, but sometimes it is better to let it go.

So I hope, whoever is celebrating Valentine's Day, not only this Friday, but in any following, expressing their love to their partner, strengthen that bond. All or nothing at all.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

No Love For Stupid People

It has been awhile since I posted anything on this blog. Its not dead. Its just that I have been busy.

Making videos have been hard for me, cause I have to squeeze it during the period I am out of camp. YES, I KNOW. You ORD already, blah blah blah. But yea, I am fine, cause I know when I am done, I will be mocking those who will have their turn. August 2015; will the time I ORD. I used to think if only time flies faster, and I can finish army soon. Used to. Not now.

You see, I am fortunate enough, to have a vocation that is not that strenuous due to my health status. Yes, I am weak, and I think you can tell from the size of my body, haha! But that doesn't mean it is easy and "lepak". Office work can be stressful. And the regimentation of the army is really a killer. However, I have understood that it is important. It is necessary. Discipline is lacking in the modern society. It is terrible to see some people behave nowadays. Now I am not gonna name any incident in particular, neither am I saying, I am the most well behaved.

Singapore is stressful, but that does not give you an excuse for your stupidity. And do not blame the system. What can you do, tell me? The best is to adapt, and work it out.

Cause all I see now in the papers and social media, are stupid people. I swear. Nothing happens in Singapore, NO WAR, NO NATURAL DISASTERS but just disasters in the upbringings of individuals.

Singapore are made of people, but I see our only source, our strength, has become a weakness. I won't say I am not proud of Singaporean. I freakin' am proud to be one. I won't say I hate the army, I appreciate it. But what I hate is these group of stupid people. They are growing. Be thankful you are alive. Be thankful you don't have cancer. Be thankful you are not suffering from poverty. Be thankful. And things won't go wrong. The worst things in life now, be thankful of them too. Use those unfortunate events as a motivation, and achieve a better tomorrow.

Another point I would like to blabber about, is Valentines' Day.

I must say, I am tired of girls. Yes, I said it. I am sorry to some of you girls, but I personally need a break from all of you.

Last year showed how a girl can bring me to the deepest depths. The hacking. The slapping. Blah blah. Ridhwan = Villian, Bad, Shit

Whatever. Tired of explaining. So I advice you guys out there, please please, think through this.

Do you guys really see marriage ahead. Is it a fling? For fun? For real? WHATEVER IT IS.. BE FREAKIN' CLEAR WITH EACH OTHER.

Communication is important. From efficient communication, it will give results. Nothing can go wrong. Both shall understand, and things won't screw up. Things won't be left hanging. Leading to a destination, a simillar one. Not nowhere.

So that's about it. Don't judge me. Don't judge others. Lepak. Shut up, watch the world burn and work it people. Be better tomorrow. Cause tomorrow ain't always coming your way for some people.